Missing you tonight

I sit here missing you my sweet boy. For the first time in a month I am allowing myself to think about you being gone. And as much as I want to feel sorry for myself there are too many people out there that wont let me and I am so grateful for them. They keep me going, moving forward, and believing that I will get through this. I have stopped myself everyday from focusing on you being gone and instead I try to remember the good times. The times we would laugh and poke fun at each other. The times that bring a smile to my face. Its so hard though. In those remminesent thoughts of happiness tears come to my eyes becuase I know that I will never have another memory with you. There will never be another laugh, another embrace, another moment to remember forever. Your time here with me is over yet your memory will be with me forever. I am not getting over you but I am moving on with you as my strength. You have made me such a better person. So much more confident, loving, and caring. You have opened my eyes to so much. You were a truely amazing person and I hope to make you proud. I hope to carry out your legacy forever. You are missed so much baby and I hate that your gone but I know that you would not want me to sit around in sorrow and pain. No you would want me to be strong, stop crying, and carry on. I am trying, I fail sometimes at it, but I am trying. I miss you so much and I will always miss you. Watch over me sweet boy. Keep me safe and lead me to happiness. I need you now but know that the people in my life will help fill the emptiness that you left behind. I wish you were here Bradley. You were my everything. My heart is broken but I am trying to pick up the pieces. Good night my sweet hero.

Still in denial.

If only I would have known babe that this was going to happen there is so much I would have done. I would have never let you go, I would have let you say good bye for the last time. I still cant believe that youre gone. I go through my day and think of our life together. Two amazing years of happiness and love and to think that its over already makes me hurt so badly. I feel so empty so alone. I have put on a good face most of the time and have ignored the pain that beats on the door to my heart every day, but its catching up with me. Either I pay now or I pay later but one way or another I am going to break. I am not going to be able to stand on my own two feet once I realize that I really have lost you. I can say the words and tell the story but its not real to me yet. It not my life that has been destroyed. Its not our future that is no more. I was looking at our wedding pictures today and it seems like only yesterday that we were having the time of our lives. We were in Jamiaca living it up not having a care in the world. I want to go back to that time. I want to be intertwined and safe in your arms. I want to look in your eyes and know that everything is good and right. How am I going to do this baby? I miss you so much. There is no one that makes me feel like you do. There is no one I can talk to like you. There is no one to tell me its going to be ok. People try but noone compares to you. You are my everything. You are my best friend, no you were my everything and you were my best friend but you arent here anymore and I hate it. I am lost with out you. Every part of me longs for you to come back. Holy shit I cant believe youre really gone. I have to start believing so I can start healing. I have to but I dont want to so badly. No bradley you cant be dead. NO NO NO . Please god no.

love lives on

Two years ago I married a man without hesitation. I knew that this man would take care of me for the rest of my life. I knew he would love me, support me, lift me up when I was weak. I knew he would make an amazing father, friend, and companion for all the days to come. I knew that this man was my soulmate and was made just for me. We were perfect together. We had many nights of talking on the phone, sharing our deepest thoughts. I wasnt afraid to be open and honest with him. I knew that he genuinely cared. This man promised to love, honor, and support me for all the days of his life. He was a wonderful man. But I didnt know that this man would have to leave so soon. His life was cut short, our life was cut short. Cheated. We were robbed of a life full of hapiness, fufillment, and comfort. But even knowing now how it all would end I wouldnt take a single day back of being this mans wife. I wouldnt give up one second of a converstaion. I dont regret a single day being madly in love with him. The pain cuts deeper than I ever knew possible but I would choose to feel the pain again. The love we shared was worth any amount of pain. We were meant to be together. I know how much that man loved me. To say I miss him is such an understatement but thats the only thing I know to say now. I promise that my love for this man will live on through me, through our daughter. The love we shared will never die, it will never be forgotten, it will never be matched.

I still love you Bradley more than anything or anyone. You are my strength and my guiding light. I will not give up because of the amazing love that I know you had for me. I will never forget you. There will never be another you. I wait for the day that I will be reuinted with you. Hope your ready for the biggest hug and kiss youve ever had. I love you with all of me and I miss you so much. Happy two year anniversary baby. Wish you were here.

Help me Brad

These walls speak to the memories
They rip them from my mind,
And evoke the sadness and gladness.
But these memories are not to be forgotten.
For these memories are the best times,
These memories are the life we have lived.
They are the love that we created to keep me living,
The reasons for me to keep moving on.
And even though it will keep my mind on it's end,
Your smiling face will allow my heart to mend.

So keep on speakin',
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

Take me on a ride,
On a ride on back to the place.
That place we'd love aloud,
Where our passion lived on proud.
Take me through our spoken dreams.
I am ready, I am ready, I am calling you now.
Help me walk on outside with her.


So keep on speakin',
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

Treat me fair my dearest lover,
Show me the love I know you can.
Show me my hands upon your face once more.
Glance back on me so I know for sure,
You're still here to fulfill our plan.

So keep on speakin',
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

Our precious gift,
Is the precious time and the love we made,
The unable mind to let you fade.
It is the screaming sadness that is your absence.
And the bellowing walls that loom your presence.
But most of all it is your half with me,
Our innocent angel little chloe.

So keep on speakin',
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

Bring me the strength to keep remembering,
Bring me the tears that keep me surrendering.
Speak up, keep on speakin'
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

-Wes Shover


Im scared Brad... Im scared that everyday that passes I will forget what you felt like. I will forget the softness of your lips and the strength of your hands. I fear that I will lose the sharp memories of your voice and your smell. I will never forget you NEVER but as time continues to pass the small details will become a blur. I dont want them to. I dont want to forget anything. How do I stop time? How do I go back to the day that you waved goodbye? How do I replay our last converstaion? I cant. All I can do is remember. I love think about those little moments that we shared together but when I do I become overwhelemed. Overwhelmed by the resposibility of telling Chloe those little things that were so special about you. I need your help. I need you to remind me. Come to me in my dreams. Help me Brad help me. I need to feel your presence. I cant keep going alone. Why are you so far from me now. Tell me what to do. I dont know. Brad help me.

Brad,

Brad, I miss you. I love you. I am so empty without you. I hate this. It is not getting any easier. I am dying inside. No one can make it better. No one but you. I cant wait until the day that I see you again. I miss you more than words can say. Why did you have to leave me? Why? I love you Bradley more than anything in this world. Please come back, please say its a mistake. I love you with all of my heart. You were the only one for me Brad. The one I was supposed to grow old with. God I hate this. I hate every day without you.

My sweet Bradley,

You've got magic inside your finger tips
Its leaking out all over my skin
Everytime that I get close to you
Your making me weak with the way you
Look through those eyes

But all I see is your face
All I need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

I remember the way that you move
Your dancing easily through my dreams
Its hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles
You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

Oh baby I need you
To see me, the way I see you
Lovely, wide awake in
The middle of my dreams

All I see is your face
All I need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from' up above
Colbie Caillat "magic"

I need you Brad. I need to feel your touch, I need to see your face, I need to kiss you. I miss you sweet boy. Please come back to me.

Bradley,

Why would you leave me here alone and afraid? You promised to be by my side for the rest of my life. Through the good and the bad.How could you think that I would be ok with out you? Why would you let me hurt so badly? How dare you leave me here by myself? Why couldnt I have gone with you? How do you expect me to survive Brad? Why? Why would you let this happen? Why would you leave me here baby why? Didnt you know I need you? Didnt you know how much I depended on you. You did, you knew because I told you constantly. I told you you were my everything, my best friend, my partner in crime. I told you that I never wanted anyone else besides you. I told you to be careful, to come home to me...to come home to Chloe. You didnt listen to me...Why? Why couldnt you have just listened... why couldnt you have just come home alive? I dont want to do this with out you brad. I dont want to be a single mom. I dont want to have to provide. I dont want to have to be the only one Chloe can rely on. You were suposed to be here. You were suposed to grow old with me. Now its only me who will grow old. Its only me who will tell chloe no. Its only me that has to live with missing you. Im so mad at you. I am hurting for you so much. I miss you. I love you. I just want you to come home and hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be ok. But you cant. It wont be ok. You being dead will never be ok. I will never be ok...