Bubby Boy,

Hey Bradley, I havent written in a few days but not because I havent wanted to but I havent had the words to say how I have been feeling. I miss you so much more every single day. I am trying to tell myself that I am going to get through this, that we will be ok but I dont know if i believe it. You were so strong for me babe but now that your not here I just feel like giving up. There have been so many times that I have wanted to talk to you, that I have needed to ask you your advice, but I couldnt. I just have to remember and imagine what you would have said or wanted me to do. I dont want to do this on my own. I dont want to go on everyday without you. I miss you so much and I realize that this is not even the worst of it yet. I am still in denial about you being dead. I still feel like your just deployed and I will get to hold you again. I still have vivid images of the day you walk off that plane and run to me and give me a big hug and kiss. You would tell me how beautiful I look and how beautiful that girly is. I would have a sign, heels, and lipstick just like you wanted me to. I would be there waiting so excited to finally see you. But you came on a different plane. A plane that was cold, loud, and only had what was left of you. Instead of tears of joy rolling down my face I had tears of anguish, horror, and fear. I dont want to do this Brad, I dont want you to be dead. I look at pictures every night. I cry because I see your face, I see you holding your beautiful daughter and I see the life and love you had in your eyes. And I cry because I miss that, I miss you. How could God let this happen? What did I do to deserve this. What did you do to deserve this... Why does Chloe have to grow up with out her daddy. Its not right. Its just not fair. I see Mike getting better already. I hear about his progress. I am happy for him but I am so jealous. I wish more than anything you were there in that hospital with him... learning how to live with out your sight or your legs or whatever. I would be next to you the whole time being your number one fan. I would never leave you. I just wish things were different.

I went and talked to the financial adviser the other day and you would be so proud of me. I really think Im making the decisions you would have wanted me to with our money. I also am working on my resume. I might have a potential job offer in North Carolina. I know how much you loved it out there and I will never forget the times we spent there together. Remember when we went to Wilmington and parked in someones drive way so you could show me an East Coast beach? I will never forget our memories. I will never forget you. I know you told me I didnt have to work if I didnt want to but I feel like I need to for Chloe. I will get my degree I promise. I dont want to go back to school but I am because I know how important it was to you. I promise you Brad that I will always strive to be better because thats what you always told me. You always have to progress and never settle. You were an amazing man. You were so hard working, so dedicated to me and to Chloe. I will be a better person because of you. Brad, I love you so much. There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled...never. You have taught me so many things about love and life that I will never forget. I will try my best to teach them to Chloe. You were so amazing baby and I miss you so so much. I cant accept that youre really dead. I just cant wrap my mind around the concept. You were my whole world. You meant more to me than anything and all of a sudden I have to give you up. I dont know how. I dont know how to get through this. How do I recover from this. The happiness, the love, the trust, stolen... gone. I miss you sweet boy. I love you yesterday, today, forever. You will always be to true love, my soul mate and my best friend. Sleep in Peace tonight bubby. Please visit me in my dreams. I hope to see you again soon. Maybe ill go play with oncoming traffic, or run with a pair of scissors... (ok everyone calm down its just a bad joke that he and I would always say) love you bub.
I gave that girly a kiss for you today and even though she cant understand me yet i tell her about you every single day. We listened to some Bob Marley today while I was folding laundry. It reminded me of Jamaica and how much fun we had. You were so happy there and I can still smell the pina coladas and see your big cheesy grin. You were so cute. I miss that smile, but i know your watching and smiling over me. I just wish you were here instead...