Missing you tonight

I sit here missing you my sweet boy. For the first time in a month I am allowing myself to think about you being gone. And as much as I want to feel sorry for myself there are too many people out there that wont let me and I am so grateful for them. They keep me going, moving forward, and believing that I will get through this. I have stopped myself everyday from focusing on you being gone and instead I try to remember the good times. The times we would laugh and poke fun at each other. The times that bring a smile to my face. Its so hard though. In those remminesent thoughts of happiness tears come to my eyes becuase I know that I will never have another memory with you. There will never be another laugh, another embrace, another moment to remember forever. Your time here with me is over yet your memory will be with me forever. I am not getting over you but I am moving on with you as my strength. You have made me such a better person. So much more confident, loving, and caring. You have opened my eyes to so much. You were a truely amazing person and I hope to make you proud. I hope to carry out your legacy forever. You are missed so much baby and I hate that your gone but I know that you would not want me to sit around in sorrow and pain. No you would want me to be strong, stop crying, and carry on. I am trying, I fail sometimes at it, but I am trying. I miss you so much and I will always miss you. Watch over me sweet boy. Keep me safe and lead me to happiness. I need you now but know that the people in my life will help fill the emptiness that you left behind. I wish you were here Bradley. You were my everything. My heart is broken but I am trying to pick up the pieces. Good night my sweet hero.

Still in denial.

If only I would have known babe that this was going to happen there is so much I would have done. I would have never let you go, I would have let you say good bye for the last time. I still cant believe that youre gone. I go through my day and think of our life together. Two amazing years of happiness and love and to think that its over already makes me hurt so badly. I feel so empty so alone. I have put on a good face most of the time and have ignored the pain that beats on the door to my heart every day, but its catching up with me. Either I pay now or I pay later but one way or another I am going to break. I am not going to be able to stand on my own two feet once I realize that I really have lost you. I can say the words and tell the story but its not real to me yet. It not my life that has been destroyed. Its not our future that is no more. I was looking at our wedding pictures today and it seems like only yesterday that we were having the time of our lives. We were in Jamiaca living it up not having a care in the world. I want to go back to that time. I want to be intertwined and safe in your arms. I want to look in your eyes and know that everything is good and right. How am I going to do this baby? I miss you so much. There is no one that makes me feel like you do. There is no one I can talk to like you. There is no one to tell me its going to be ok. People try but noone compares to you. You are my everything. You are my best friend, no you were my everything and you were my best friend but you arent here anymore and I hate it. I am lost with out you. Every part of me longs for you to come back. Holy shit I cant believe youre really gone. I have to start believing so I can start healing. I have to but I dont want to so badly. No bradley you cant be dead. NO NO NO . Please god no.

love lives on

Two years ago I married a man without hesitation. I knew that this man would take care of me for the rest of my life. I knew he would love me, support me, lift me up when I was weak. I knew he would make an amazing father, friend, and companion for all the days to come. I knew that this man was my soulmate and was made just for me. We were perfect together. We had many nights of talking on the phone, sharing our deepest thoughts. I wasnt afraid to be open and honest with him. I knew that he genuinely cared. This man promised to love, honor, and support me for all the days of his life. He was a wonderful man. But I didnt know that this man would have to leave so soon. His life was cut short, our life was cut short. Cheated. We were robbed of a life full of hapiness, fufillment, and comfort. But even knowing now how it all would end I wouldnt take a single day back of being this mans wife. I wouldnt give up one second of a converstaion. I dont regret a single day being madly in love with him. The pain cuts deeper than I ever knew possible but I would choose to feel the pain again. The love we shared was worth any amount of pain. We were meant to be together. I know how much that man loved me. To say I miss him is such an understatement but thats the only thing I know to say now. I promise that my love for this man will live on through me, through our daughter. The love we shared will never die, it will never be forgotten, it will never be matched.

I still love you Bradley more than anything or anyone. You are my strength and my guiding light. I will not give up because of the amazing love that I know you had for me. I will never forget you. There will never be another you. I wait for the day that I will be reuinted with you. Hope your ready for the biggest hug and kiss youve ever had. I love you with all of me and I miss you so much. Happy two year anniversary baby. Wish you were here.

Help me Brad

These walls speak to the memories
They rip them from my mind,
And evoke the sadness and gladness.
But these memories are not to be forgotten.
For these memories are the best times,
These memories are the life we have lived.
They are the love that we created to keep me living,
The reasons for me to keep moving on.
And even though it will keep my mind on it's end,
Your smiling face will allow my heart to mend.

So keep on speakin',
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

Take me on a ride,
On a ride on back to the place.
That place we'd love aloud,
Where our passion lived on proud.
Take me through our spoken dreams.
I am ready, I am ready, I am calling you now.
Help me walk on outside with her.


So keep on speakin',
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

Treat me fair my dearest lover,
Show me the love I know you can.
Show me my hands upon your face once more.
Glance back on me so I know for sure,
You're still here to fulfill our plan.

So keep on speakin',
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

Our precious gift,
Is the precious time and the love we made,
The unable mind to let you fade.
It is the screaming sadness that is your absence.
And the bellowing walls that loom your presence.
But most of all it is your half with me,
Our innocent angel little chloe.

So keep on speakin',
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

Bring me the strength to keep remembering,
Bring me the tears that keep me surrendering.
Speak up, keep on speakin'
Keep on hollering at me.
Never drift to be unclear,
Never escape this place or me.
Live in my head so I can see,
Yours and mine, the sweet love.

-Wes Shover


Im scared Brad... Im scared that everyday that passes I will forget what you felt like. I will forget the softness of your lips and the strength of your hands. I fear that I will lose the sharp memories of your voice and your smell. I will never forget you NEVER but as time continues to pass the small details will become a blur. I dont want them to. I dont want to forget anything. How do I stop time? How do I go back to the day that you waved goodbye? How do I replay our last converstaion? I cant. All I can do is remember. I love think about those little moments that we shared together but when I do I become overwhelemed. Overwhelmed by the resposibility of telling Chloe those little things that were so special about you. I need your help. I need you to remind me. Come to me in my dreams. Help me Brad help me. I need to feel your presence. I cant keep going alone. Why are you so far from me now. Tell me what to do. I dont know. Brad help me.

Brad,

Brad, I miss you. I love you. I am so empty without you. I hate this. It is not getting any easier. I am dying inside. No one can make it better. No one but you. I cant wait until the day that I see you again. I miss you more than words can say. Why did you have to leave me? Why? I love you Bradley more than anything in this world. Please come back, please say its a mistake. I love you with all of my heart. You were the only one for me Brad. The one I was supposed to grow old with. God I hate this. I hate every day without you.

My sweet Bradley,

You've got magic inside your finger tips
Its leaking out all over my skin
Everytime that I get close to you
Your making me weak with the way you
Look through those eyes

But all I see is your face
All I need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from up above

I remember the way that you move
Your dancing easily through my dreams
Its hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles
You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

Oh baby I need you
To see me, the way I see you
Lovely, wide awake in
The middle of my dreams

All I see is your face
All I need is your touch
Wake me up with your lips
Come at me from' up above
Colbie Caillat "magic"

I need you Brad. I need to feel your touch, I need to see your face, I need to kiss you. I miss you sweet boy. Please come back to me.

Bradley,

Why would you leave me here alone and afraid? You promised to be by my side for the rest of my life. Through the good and the bad.How could you think that I would be ok with out you? Why would you let me hurt so badly? How dare you leave me here by myself? Why couldnt I have gone with you? How do you expect me to survive Brad? Why? Why would you let this happen? Why would you leave me here baby why? Didnt you know I need you? Didnt you know how much I depended on you. You did, you knew because I told you constantly. I told you you were my everything, my best friend, my partner in crime. I told you that I never wanted anyone else besides you. I told you to be careful, to come home to me...to come home to Chloe. You didnt listen to me...Why? Why couldnt you have just listened... why couldnt you have just come home alive? I dont want to do this with out you brad. I dont want to be a single mom. I dont want to have to provide. I dont want to have to be the only one Chloe can rely on. You were suposed to be here. You were suposed to grow old with me. Now its only me who will grow old. Its only me who will tell chloe no. Its only me that has to live with missing you. Im so mad at you. I am hurting for you so much. I miss you. I love you. I just want you to come home and hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be ok. But you cant. It wont be ok. You being dead will never be ok. I will never be ok...

Bubby Boy,

Hey Bradley, I havent written in a few days but not because I havent wanted to but I havent had the words to say how I have been feeling. I miss you so much more every single day. I am trying to tell myself that I am going to get through this, that we will be ok but I dont know if i believe it. You were so strong for me babe but now that your not here I just feel like giving up. There have been so many times that I have wanted to talk to you, that I have needed to ask you your advice, but I couldnt. I just have to remember and imagine what you would have said or wanted me to do. I dont want to do this on my own. I dont want to go on everyday without you. I miss you so much and I realize that this is not even the worst of it yet. I am still in denial about you being dead. I still feel like your just deployed and I will get to hold you again. I still have vivid images of the day you walk off that plane and run to me and give me a big hug and kiss. You would tell me how beautiful I look and how beautiful that girly is. I would have a sign, heels, and lipstick just like you wanted me to. I would be there waiting so excited to finally see you. But you came on a different plane. A plane that was cold, loud, and only had what was left of you. Instead of tears of joy rolling down my face I had tears of anguish, horror, and fear. I dont want to do this Brad, I dont want you to be dead. I look at pictures every night. I cry because I see your face, I see you holding your beautiful daughter and I see the life and love you had in your eyes. And I cry because I miss that, I miss you. How could God let this happen? What did I do to deserve this. What did you do to deserve this... Why does Chloe have to grow up with out her daddy. Its not right. Its just not fair. I see Mike getting better already. I hear about his progress. I am happy for him but I am so jealous. I wish more than anything you were there in that hospital with him... learning how to live with out your sight or your legs or whatever. I would be next to you the whole time being your number one fan. I would never leave you. I just wish things were different.

I went and talked to the financial adviser the other day and you would be so proud of me. I really think Im making the decisions you would have wanted me to with our money. I also am working on my resume. I might have a potential job offer in North Carolina. I know how much you loved it out there and I will never forget the times we spent there together. Remember when we went to Wilmington and parked in someones drive way so you could show me an East Coast beach? I will never forget our memories. I will never forget you. I know you told me I didnt have to work if I didnt want to but I feel like I need to for Chloe. I will get my degree I promise. I dont want to go back to school but I am because I know how important it was to you. I promise you Brad that I will always strive to be better because thats what you always told me. You always have to progress and never settle. You were an amazing man. You were so hard working, so dedicated to me and to Chloe. I will be a better person because of you. Brad, I love you so much. There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled...never. You have taught me so many things about love and life that I will never forget. I will try my best to teach them to Chloe. You were so amazing baby and I miss you so so much. I cant accept that youre really dead. I just cant wrap my mind around the concept. You were my whole world. You meant more to me than anything and all of a sudden I have to give you up. I dont know how. I dont know how to get through this. How do I recover from this. The happiness, the love, the trust, stolen... gone. I miss you sweet boy. I love you yesterday, today, forever. You will always be to true love, my soul mate and my best friend. Sleep in Peace tonight bubby. Please visit me in my dreams. I hope to see you again soon. Maybe ill go play with oncoming traffic, or run with a pair of scissors... (ok everyone calm down its just a bad joke that he and I would always say) love you bub.
I gave that girly a kiss for you today and even though she cant understand me yet i tell her about you every single day. We listened to some Bob Marley today while I was folding laundry. It reminded me of Jamaica and how much fun we had. You were so happy there and I can still smell the pina coladas and see your big cheesy grin. You were so cute. I miss that smile, but i know your watching and smiling over me. I just wish you were here instead...

Babe,

Hi baby. I really don't know what to say tonight. I guess today was one of the days that I just feel overwhelmed without you being here. I guess today despite being in the midst of a good friend I feel so alone and so empty. I know I will feel this way for a long time. You would be proud of me though... I'm not being antisocial!! I am talking to strangers... I am letting people help me and be nice to me... you wouldn't belive how many strangers Ive actually emailed back. I know weird right? Everyone has been so nice to me. Everyone has offered to do anything for me... unfortunately no one is able to bring you home to me. I wish they could.

I miss you more than words can say. I am so sad without you. I am trying I really am Brad, I am trying to be strong. I am trying to stay positive... but its really hard. I know you always told me happiness is a choice... but I just don't know. How can I choose to be happy that you're gone? I wish you were here. Chloe is getting her first tooth in and all I want to do is call you and tell you about it. I know how excited you would be. I know you would talk about how sweet that girl is and how much you love her. I know you would say you cant wait to get home to give her a bath and read her a book. I KNOW that you loved her with all of your heart. And I KNOW you would have been such an AMAZING father. I guess what really scares me the most is that she is going to have to grow up not and know her Daddy. I just remember never being able to go to the Father Daughter dances, or learning how to change my oil, or go fishing or anything else that Dads do with their daughters. I will tell her about you everyday and there will be pictures on the wall above her crib but its just not the same. I will try to love her for the both of us and I hope that I will do a good job and raise her with the same morals and principals that we had talked about. But it is going to be so hard to do it without you. I was depending on you to help me when she wanted to learn how to ride a bike. Or when she started driving. Even more so when she started dating... I cant be as intimidating as you. I cant be be as strong without you and I don't know how I am going to do this. It is just the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I feel so insecure with my abilities to be a single mom. I never thought that this would happen. I wasn't prepared for you to leave us. I feel like giving up but I cant because I have to be there for Chloe. Please help me be strong for her and raise her the best I can. I love you Bradley and I miss you so much. Today was a bad day and I hope that tomorrow is better. I am so lonely without you and there is nothing that anyone can do. I love you.

Love,
Your extremely lonely wife

Brad,

Hey Brad, today I went to visit Lassie in the hospital. I was really nervous. I didnt know what I was going to say or how I was going to react. I cried some. It was very bittersweet. I am glad to see him doing well. Of course I wish you were there with him too. I wish that I could be by your side telling you that everything is going to be ok. I wish that I could give you a hug and tell you I will love you no matter what. I wish that I could grab your hand like I did Mikes and cry and know that we would get through it. I wish you were just really badly injured instead of being dead. Im jealous of Mikes family and friends. I envy them as the sit in the hospital room talking about rehab and recovery for Mike. I am so thankful that he will be ok. He has some hard days ahead of him but I know just from today's visit that he will push through. I know that he feels guilty but I told him that he has absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. He was spared and you were not and that it just the way it worked out. He deserved to live just as much as you did but it just wasnt meant to be for you I guess. He got to hold Chlo. She was such a sweet girl today. She slept most of the day and never cried! I was so thankful that she was so well behaved. It's like she knew what was going on.

On the way home I heard that Miley Cyrus song Living in the USA and I couldnt help but think of the time we were at Wendys getting our frostys when you told me that she sang that song. I didnt believe you until we got our CRV and it came on XM with her name on the title. I remember how proud of yourself you were that you were right. I miss moments like that. I can just imagine your big cheesy grin and your cocky "I told you so face". I missed you a lot today Brawley boy. As I was driving to the hospital I drove through some residential areas and looked at all the different houses. They were beautiful. I know you would have been pointing out all the brick houses and saying I like that one, that ones a nice one. Or thats the kind of house I want one day. I can just imagine us living in one of those houses with the wooden shutters and the big columns on the front porch. I couldnt wait for us to finally move to a place and build our house like we talked about. I had already started think of paint colors for our bedroom. I guess it will be a while now until I settle somewhere enough to buy a house. It wont be the same though. The fire in the fireplace wont be as warm. The coat closet will be half empty. Your shoes wont be lying around everywhere. It just wont seem like much of a home without you. They say your home is where your heart is. I guess I'm homeless because the only thing in my heart right now is a huge hole. It hurts. I miss you Brad and I wish you were here. I love you with all of my heart. I miss hearing you say I love you to me. But I smile because I know how much you do love me. Miss you.

Love,
Your lonely wife

Good night Brad,

Hey sweet boy. For most of the day today I felt numb. It was hard to be sad, or happy, or even angry. It's like my emotions are on a switch but I don't know who is controlling them. It is most definitely not me. One day I miss you, another I am mad at you. One day I think your'e still alive, then I realize you're dead. Some times I truly believe there was some sort of mistake. Other days I start accepting reality. Most days I feel like I cant go on a single day with out you.

Brad I miss you my sweet boy. I miss everything about you. My heart aches. My body hurts. My soul is longing for you. I need you. I have always needed you. I will forever need you. I can no longer have you like I once did. I can no longer see or feel the Brad I love. I can only have you by the many memories we have made together and by the moments we shared loving, laughing, and living. I mean what I said when I said "I do". I had so much love to give you. We had so much life to live together. We were supposed to be together forever. "Until death do us part" came sooner than I could have ever expected. I hate this Brad, I hate that you are dead and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Please meet me in my dreams. I need to see you. I need to kiss you. I need you to be here for me. I am so scared to live without you. Please please just come back to me. Please.

I love you,

Your lonely wife.

Brad,

Hey babe, I miss you a lot today. I was reminded today that the rest of the world is just as busy as they were two weeks ago when my world stopped. I got cut off on the freeway, I heard people complaining because the waitress at the restaurant didnt notice their beer was empty, and finding parking in Downtown Balitmore was insane. I have so many people willing to sit down and talk to me, sit down and listen to me, and sit down and cry with me but they aren't you. I cant talk to anyone like I talked to you. I can laugh, or joke, or complain to anyone like you. Nothing is the same. Everyone is being so nice to me, you should see all the support Ive gotten. I didnt even have to pay for dinner tonight... you'd be glad about that considering I spent $140.00 on a rental car for one day... sorry :/ I miss hearing your voice. I miss planning our next big vacation. I miss talking about our next baby. I miss everything. I miss your touch and your kisses, your smell and your smile. I miss making you oatmeal in the morning. I miss cooking dinner for you at night. I miss doing the dishes, making our bed, doing our laundry. Its the simple things that I miss the most. It's those little things that made our marriage so special.

You always would tell me we were meant to be and that we were soulmates. I never told you how cheesy I thought the term "Soulmates" was but deep down I really knew we were made for each other. You are my best friend and I miss you so. Oh, people have started to write their memories about you and I am going to make a book for Chlo. It will be our bedtime story book. I know how important bedtime stories were going to be for you... you called it and bath time daddy bonding time. I wish we would have video taped you reading a few books to her like we had talked about. That would have been so special. But its too late now. I wish we would have done a lot of things. If only I knew this was how it was going to end. Im trying really hard not to let myself "what if" and regret things between us. But its hard. Even stupid things like not going to Branson with you when you wanted. Or complaining about going to the zoo. Ill go to the zoo with you anytime you want just please come back. Its so hard not to think that way. Its hard not to think that I could have been a better wife or done more to make you happy. I know all of these emotions are a part of the grieving process I just hate them. My heart is broken. It literally hurts with longing for you. Yet I know you are really gone. I know I cant ever see you no matter how hard I wish. You wont ever be able to kiss Chloe or help me yell at her when her report card is bad. How am I going to do this without you? How am I going to be ok. I don't want to be ok with out you. I don't want to be strong. I don't want you to be gone. And yet you are. This is my life now. There is no changing it. You are gone. I am mad at you for leaving us. I love you Brad but I wish you would have just kept your head down.... I miss you

love,
Your lonely wife.

Dear Brawley,

Hey babe, I met with a financial adviser today. You would have loved it because all we talked about was budgets. I miss talking to you almost every day about our budget and you always calculating something... Oh. I was driving to this guys office and on the way I heard a Taylor Swift song.. it made me think of how you would always make me "sing" along with her. We would make so much fun of her but both of us liked her deep down. I smiled when I thought of all of our driving around and just singing along to all the different song that would come on. My favorite was when a sublime song came on and you would get really into it. I was talking with your mom today and I remembered when we would be driving and you would reach over and squeeze my knee right where it tickles and asks if I was boy crazy... sure enough every time I "was" boy crazy. You loved to make me laugh. I miss that.

I'm kind of scared of what to do with some of the money, I wish you were here to talk it over with me. You always knew what would be the best thing and even when you didn't really know you were so confident about it that I would just go along with you. It's hard now having to make these big decisions alone. I want to do the best thing for Chloe and me. As I was listening to music in the car ride to the Financial guys office I felt as if nothing in my life was the same anymore. I got stuck behind this slow person driving and I didn't care. You would have passed them for sure but it didn't matter. Nothing seems to matter. Music doesn't sound the same. Food doesn't taste as good.I dread turning on the radio because I'm afraid I'll hear a song that reminds me of you. My world just seems to be on hold. I drove to the bank today to deposit some checks and I got all the way there and it was closed because of the holiday. I didn't care. When I drove past the Moto Mart on Troy- O'Fallon rd. I almost stopped and got a Monster just like you always did. I remember even when I was like 9 months pregnant you would ask me to get out of the car and go get you a stupid blue Monster... I would always complain about it but I loved to do it for you. I don't know if I'll ever be able to drink a blue monster without crying again... there will be a lot of things like that I suppose.

I miss you so much. Oh I heard on the radio an ad for some GS jobs in the STL and DC area including linguistics. They're holding interviews sometime soon in STL so I think I might apply, although I don't have a resume made up yet. Maybe I'll get someone to help me with one. Chloe has really started to laugh and smile and "talk" a lot more. You would think she was so cute. I wish you could see her and hold her. She is starting to look more and more like you I think... but she has my ears, poor girl! and She still has momma feet like you called them. She is so sweet babe. I wish I could see you with her now. She is such a different baby then when you left. I will try to do my best in raising her how we talked about. I am so scared I won't be able to do as good of job with out you. You were my strength, I'm trying to be as strong as I can for you though. I miss you sweet boy. I love you and I gave that girly a kiss for you. Love you.

xoxo,
Your lonely wife

Dear Brad

We missed you today. Chloe and I stayed home all day and didn't even change out of our pajamas. We had to throw some of the flowers from your funeral away today. I just couldn't stand smelling them anymore. It started to smell like a funeral home in the house. I went through and watched some of the videos that we made right before you left. I remember the one where you gave Chlo her first bath. Boy did she get mad at you. You were so cute. You were trying so hard. You always tried so hard to be the best Dad and husband. You were so amazing... I just think back to the time when I was in the hospital and you never left my side. I wish you were by my side tonight. I hate being in this room because it reminds me of you so much. I miss you brat face. I wish you were giving me those sweet kisses on my forehead. I love you Brad. I miss you. Don't forget about our date in my dreams tonight. Don't be late. Love you sweet boy.

Love,
Your lonely wife